Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Dancing On My Mind

When we were growing up our mom decided that the Fuzi troll children should somehow become refined and learn ballet, tap and tumbling. There was a very nice French lady and her husband that had moved to our humble town that taught these things. I think when she saw mom bring all of us in she thought that if she could tame us and force us to dance, perform floor gymnastics similar to somersault, back handsprings, and round offs that she would have proven her abilities to teach anyone. Building her business would be so easy once the entire small community could see the transformation.

Well all I remember doing at 10 years old was faking it. I tried to focus but I was really just thinking about breaking all the windows out of an old car in an abandoned dump in our forest (another story, another time). So I moved my feet in any old direction, rolled around with my brothers on the floor pretending to somersault and just generally fooled around. The only thing I really remember loving was the fact that I could stomp around in those cool tap shoes and make a lot of noise. Our mom, however, could really tap dance....usually on our heads.

I think Barb and Loretta were more polite and refined but I'm not sure of that. Look at Barb's eyes! She has that fake pasted on smile and her buggy eyes show she was about to scream in agony. Loretta had a great ha, ha going on and I am just in space. Our brothers were promised many sweet treats if they sat still for this photo.

Kristi was not even thought of yet...she came along a couple of years later. We call her the Canadian Vacation baby. Lucky little girl. She didn't have to try and prove herself in these classes. She only got to sit on our dad's lap in her cute little cowgirl boots. Mom soon gave up on us as did the dance teacher. That teacher had to leave town soon after our one and only recital dance. I believe her business failed and I don't know really why.

As you can see we never did grow up to become normal, law-abiding citizens and I am afraid that we have influenced our sisters-in-laws.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Birthday Boy

Today Brian turns 32. Wow am I getting old or what?

Oldest born and only son.

But look. Is this a sad situation or what? Missing his birthday huckleberry pie.

Don't worry Brian. When you come home for Christmas, the first thing here to greet you will be that pie!


Friday, October 26, 2007

A Little Rhyme

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her turds away.
There came a big spider,
He sat down beside her.
And frightened Miss Muffet away!

Now isn't this horrible? Our dad taught me this when I was a preschooler. Of course I had no idea what it meant or that it was not correct. My first grade teacher, who later became my great aunt (thank goodness) asked each of us to recite a nursery rhyme for her. Of course I was so very proud that I knew one, especially one that made my daddy laugh. Up I hopped and recited Little Miss Muffet. Now picture this.....I was in a two room small school and in my classroom were the grades 1-6. So of course all of the kids snickered and laughed and I was mortified. Not because I knew what it meant but because my teacher with a smile on her face and a little bit of a shocked look told me that was not exactly the way it went. I then knew that I was a wee little Fuzi troll.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

"Coon Hunt"

OK busted! I wasn't going to share the racoon incident but now my little sweet seester has brought it up so yes I did do battle in August. The two schnowzers (our current in-house guard dogs) were sounding the alarm to go out at 4:30am. Being a 50-something woman who frequently answers the call of nature in the middle of the night I didn't think anything of the fact that they too would need to go out at this ungodly hour. So I opened the door and they shot out immediately to the corner of the yard where our firewood is kept. Yelping and high-pitched screeching (If you have schnowzers you know this sound - a little like someone sticking a needle in your eardrum.) alterted me to a problem. I flipped on the outside light, flung open the door and ran over to the corner in my raggedy baby-doll pjs to find Cricket (again the smallest and least likely to have a brain of the two) fighting through the wire fence with a large racoon. I ran back inside and grabbed the first thing I found to throw, a kleenex box. (Hey I was in panic mode and these were extra strength keenex.) Finding that was not really distracting either the dog or the racoon (evidntly neither one had a cold) I grabbed a rake and started yelling and lashing out (with the rake). Missy (the other schnowzer) had long high-tailed it back into the house so I grabbed Cricket and took her inside, blood streaming down both of us. I can only hope the racket didn't wake up any neighbors because this is definitely not my best look. By the time I had cleaned her up and determined that there were no gaping wounds etc I decided I might as well shower and get ready for work.

Just another day in the life. Yes Cricket was fine just a little worse for the battle, a few puncture wounds, scratches and a lower tooth hanging out. Yes I'm fine and I now have new jammies!
I swear this is a little farm in the middle of suburbia.
Love ya,

(Green Acres here I come!)

Monday, October 22, 2007

I Hate Mices to Pieces

Well hellooooooo my beautiful sisters. Sorry I've been absent for awhile. It seems like things are wild and crazy around my neck of the woods, more so than usual. Eric and I went to the coast for a few days in October to celebrate our anniversary, #36, a month late but at least we made it. But not before a dizzying few days of rodent patrol. You see, evidently, I was an exterminator in a former life and am now being hunted down by, (plagues from the Bible proportion), creatures great and small. Vonda already knows of the ant problem we've had for months. Not just a few of the little creatures but a steady marching band that would come through our attic and, commit suicide by drowning, dropping from the ceiling fan above the master bath comode. Let's just say no one was sitting down on that porcelain throne without an umbrella. So after various ant traps etc I finally found a solution (I hope) by pouring Borax detergent all along the outside edge of the foundation of the house. Seems to have worked - no ants inside for a couple of months.

Not a week had passed before I came home one evening and Jason proceeds to tell me that we are overrun from mice! How can that happen in so short of time. Thinking that maybe he is exaggerating just a bit, (he works nights and doesn't get much sleep so illusions could be a possibility) I ask why he things we're overrun. He claimed to have seen a couple of the little critters run across the floor in the kitchen. OK so a couple -we can handle that. So Eric and I go to Bend for the weekend for a surprise anniversary party for his baby brother. We came home and Jason was "loaded for bear" as they say. He had gone down to the store and bought mouse traps and was loading them with peanut butter. We begin to investigate and find out that the two little mice had sent out invitations and were having parties at night and during the day. (Evidently mice are too small of game for our schnauzers. According to Jason they just lay on the couch and watch the critters run.) Mouse poop everywhere, seemingly overnight, in closets and ohhhh the stench. THIS MEANS WAR!!!!! Eric went to the store and purchased sticky traps and mouse poison. (You would think he would have learned from the dead rat incident that poison is probably not the best idea. And sticky traps, what to you do with the creatures once they are stuck on the trap. My beloved says to thump them on the head, like that's going to happen.) Then off he goes to Portland to work for the week and guess who gets to scrub the house from top to bottom, sanitizing everything as I went.

So the only thing that the sticky traps have caught have been people stepping on them and tracking through the house. Gotta love that! (Thanks dear.)The poison left one body for me to find in the hall closet, yes another night of scrubbing, cleaning, sanitizing, cursing, ugggggg. (Thanks dear.)

But it seems to have worked - not more mice. For now anyway. So off we go for our weekend at the coast and while there we got a call from Jason. The raccoons were back during the night and our fearless, brainless, little Cricket was on guard again. (Missy wisely made a run for the house and was guarding the back door.) Jason went out, shovel in hand, and chased three of them off. Cricket bloodied and a little worse for wear ran in the house and jumped up on our bed.
Another trip to the vet more antibiotics and she's good to go.

So now we're waiting for snakes, frogs and locusts. That should about cover it. Thanks for taking one for the family with the ladybugs Vonda, you're the best!

And by the way, those "Suspensers" are gonna make us rich and famous!

Ta ta for now, love to all. Barb
Remember: We are all angels. It's what we do with our wings that separates us.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Suspensers and Other Old Lady Issues

Try as I might, I just couldn't come up with a more catchy title for this post. Just a warning for those of you that might be grossed out by the older generation and personal stuff. You may want to quit reading while you are ahead. But I dare you.

While visiting Loretta back in August we were lamenting on all the woes of aging, hot flashes, weight gain, hair in places like toes that you really don't want to know about. Barb said she wished that there were some sort of invention to hold your underwear up so they wouldn't roll down. The more we talked I could just see that light bulb come on above her head. Sure enough, there materialized an idea. She came up with the idea of suspenders that would hook to old lady granny panties and the bottom of a bra, hence just like men with plumber crack issues. The new "suspensers" were born.

While on our sisters trip, we approached the idea of our new invention to our other sister and sisters-in-laws and asked them if they thought this was a worthy invention. Of course my daughters and Kristi (who is closer to her nieces ages) were totally grossed out. They just couldn't even imagine having that problem, let alone wearing granny panties. Well, I say we older gals leave them in the dust and they can come crawling to our doorstep begging for money when their panties begin to sag and roll. Then we will have the joy of slamming the door in their faces, that is if we are still alive.

Now this idea is patented so don't even think you can steal this to make your first million. Barb found the perfect photo for the invention. I love the peacock feather addition. Strut your stuff ladies!

Loretta, this is especially for you since you were unable to attend out sisters vacation. However, you will remember our visit to your house when this idea was hatched. Get it, hatched. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Vonda - Maybe You Should Have Used One of These Instead of Trying to Exterminate Yourself!

Sis - I think these "birds" would have done the job of de-lady bugging your house quite nicely without the side effects of numb face, stingy eyelids and the pesticide perfume that you chose!!!! And I thought I might be having a bad day when I realized at the end of aerobic class (5 a.m. areobic class mind you - it's my excuse anyway) that I had been wearing my shirt inside-out the whole time. AND - no one even said anything!!!!!

You crack me up - we must be related! I've done that same spray myself in the face thing you did - only with hair spray. Talk about gluing my eyelids shut!!!!

These "birds" are actually Aztec Eagles that the kids made in homeschool yesterday. We are studying explorers - Cortez who conquered the Aztecs - hence the lovely headresses you see here!

The only other advice I have for you is this: maybe you should just "ride off to your happy place" like Pat does:

Poor Pat - his family didn't grow up teasing each other. So, when I start in on him, he gets a glazed look on his face and says: "You can't bug me, I'm in my happy place." Shhhhhhhhh - don't tell Pat about what kind of pictures I've been posting of him - I might be in big trouble!!!!

Here's to a pesticide free day!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

My Eyes, My Eyes and Other Stupid Things

So I shouldn't tell every dumb thing I do but I must admit that it seems as though most of what I end up doing turns out kind of dumb. It all began last night. I made tacos for dinner and everything was just about ready. I took the new container of sour cream out of the refrigerator and proceeded to tell Dave that dinner was ready as I opened it. Well I don't really know how exactly this happened but I stirred it with a spoon like usual and the next thing I knew I had a great big plop of sour cream in and on my left eye. Of course as I am trying desperately to find a paper towel to smear that stuff around my face, Dave is coming in the kitchen to eat. He looked at me and didn't say a word. I guess he doesn't question my antics any longer if he thought that I looked normal. By the way, I can't begin to tell you all how many things I have dropped, spilled and broken when I am supposed to be removing them from the refrigerator. In fact I know for sure that I have a broken lid on my soy sauce right now which causes a slosh of brown stain every time the door is slammed. But the way I figure, it will keep me on top of cleaning the fridge at least weekly. As Marth Stewart says "That's a good thing".

O.K. so on to the eyes. Well we are invaded yet again by millions of ladybugs. Now I will probably get chewed out for what I am about to admit but we KILL them. I mean we poison them. No, wait. Really. I used to think ladybugs were harmless darling little creatures and I still do when they are OUTSIDE eating aphids off my roses. But since moving into this money pit of a house we have had a ladybug problem every year. I searched the Internet, called the extension service and on and on trying to find a way to get rid of them. The only answer I got was "shoo them out". "Don't kill them" blah, blah, blah. I resorted to vacuuming them constantly but after four to five times a day, they were still a problem. Especially in the fall. Dave and I both decided that this is crazy after being dive bombed numerous times. So we have been fogging the house each spring and fall.

Fall is by far the worst time but they lay their eggs and then in the spring a whole new batch comes forth. So we decide that today is the day. We set up the foggers and begin at the back of the house and begin turning them on. When we get to the living room and family room/dining room areas we do this together because the area is so large that we have numerous foggers. Well I have the last fogger in my hand and we are by the door and I pop the plastic safety piece and push down and TA DAAA! The fogger blasts forth right in my face. Yep, rather than pointing it away from me I point it right at my face. After choking, gasping and being drug outside by Dave, I realized that I had forgotten my purse and keys in the house. Well now the whole house was full of poison air. Dave, the worry wart, would not let me go back in to get them...and the house was locked up anyway. He got the extra key and put his coat over his face and went in and got my purse. I couldn't go back in take a shower again or change clothes so I went on to work and washed in the restroom.

After the initial coughing stuff I feel fine but my eyelids kept burning kind of like I had rubbed Mentholatum on them. But my eyes don't burn and the skin is not red but it just burns a little. So Dave made me call poison control and I was told I needed to use dish soap because it is about the only thing that will cut through the oily based poison. The poison control lady was laughing when I told her that I couldn't figure out why all the bugs were dying as I walked in my office. I literally could walk through a swarm of gnats and I would not be touched. I mean it seems as though I could hear them screaming. Really it wasn't that funny. Well I couldn't very well wash with dish soap here in this tiny bathroom, at least not the way she told me to. She said "hold your head sideways and after rubbing dish soap in on your eyes, have someone run cold water over you eyelids". What? Who would come do that for me at work? So I went home at noon, showered, changed and opened up the house.

One more thing. As I was leaving my office I tripped over a cinder block someone had pushed in front of the door and fell flat on my face in the rain and my purse flew in a mud puddle.

And how was your day?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

There is Something About 50 Or That's My Excuse

So back to our annual sisters vacation. Since no SISTER is blogging about this lately I guess I must admit my only embarrassing moment. We all know that the week before going on our trip I had my 50th birthday and because of this I will and do claim that the following incident was because I was in hot flash, memory loss moment. OR it could be that I have lost so so much weight that my fingers are now delicate tiny sticks (NOT).

On Saturday night since it was our last night together we decided we would need to make reservations. After all when there are eight women barrelling through a town as small as Joseph, Oregon they need to be warned. We chose a place called Calderas, which by the way if you are ever that way is spectacular. Not only was the food top notch but the glass art work was amazing even though it was a tad expensive. But the really great thing was THE BATHROOM!

As we walked in the waitress looked us over a little cautiously. When she found out that we had made reservations a great look of disappointment come over her face. Or maybe it was shock that those hillbilly women could dial a phone. Well she seated us and we were all looking around in utter amazement at the purty little baubles on the walls and in antique hutches. We barely were able to order because one or the other of us was up and down looking at stuff. But then Charo made the mistake of using the restroom. She came back and said in her cute little Spanish accent "it is quite nice in there". Well I thought that she meant that "hey this is a notch above the gas station bathrooms where you have to scrape the toilet seats". So I decided I needed to check it out. I daintily, with great manners, excused myself and wandered back to the restroom. All I have to say about that room is "WHOA"!!! I thought I was in Donald Trumps private bathroom in the Trump Towers. There were glass tiles everywhere and it was the cleanest bathroom I have ever been in. I wanted to order dinner and eat in there it was so cool but Barb and Kristi wouldn't let me.

We were all seated for once and had ordered. While we were waiting for our food I sat idly listening to gossip and such while twirling my wedding ring on my finger. I was at the end of our table which was quite long and to my right were two nice looking gentlemen I judge to be close to their sixties or so. They were in deep conversation and were doing their best to ignore the cackling women next to them. Well I couldn't let them get away with that could I? I gave my ring one last twirl and it flew off and rolled right under their table next to their feet. I mean UNDER the table. They didn't notice what had happened....why would they?

As I sat there and looked at my lonely little wedding ring lying next to a rather large foot UNDER, did I say UNDER their table I wondered how in the world I was going to get that ring without those two men noticing. I could go find a fire alarm and pull it all the while shouting FIRE FIRE! But after looking around and not seeing any alarm to pull I quickly thought of other things. Maybe I could faint and fall off my chair in kind of a large exaggerated way so I could fall under the table and grab for the ring. But after imagining all the ruckus and having the ambulance come I decided that it would be too much trouble and I certainly didn't want to end up in some little hospital in the middle of Northeastern Oregon just by faking it.

Well I sucked it up and just quickly (as quick as my lumbering bum could) scurried over and had to crawl under the table and grab for the ring. Grab for the RING! Sounds like I won something doesn't it? Now when I say crawl I mean on all fours, crawling and saying "Excuse me, excuse me, I lost my ring", my nose right next to a hairy leg. These men were just watching me with an amused look on their faces. Or maybe it was shock.......I can interpret it any way I like. After plowing back to my seat they leaned over to ALLLLLLL OF MY LAUGHING WOMEN COMRADES and asked if I often made a habit of this. The only thing I could think of, but didn't say, was this is how I get dates. This story reminds me of the great pea story at a fancy French restaurant on my honeymoon. Must be the pig trough blood in me.


Friday, October 5, 2007

Lopsided Head Saga Continued

The Dairy Wife suggested that I add a little toilet paper, tape and such to even out my glasses.....well that and a little Vodka. Immediately it brought up pictures in my head of Napoleon Dynamite, and ummmm perhaps me in high school.

Look, Kelli has the same affliction.

In fact I have yet another photo of Kelli showing she inherited my lopsided ear gene.

So here I present to you the great "Dairy Wife Cure For Lopsided Ears". It only took a fifth of Vodka to do this.

Now here I am with not only my contacts in but my old lady, blind as a bat reading glasses to wear WITH my contacts. See still the crookedness but not quite as noticeable as sunglasses.

Maybe if I raise my eyebrows they will even out. Hey! Wait a minute. I think it is my right eyebrow that is crooked. Look at this and tell me it isn't true! Honest I really am raising both eyebrows and yet my right one (left when you are looking at me) is higher than the other and not on purpose either.

O.K. Now that I have solved that dilemma, I will go back to my happy place. La la la la la la.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

You Might Be Having a Bad Week When........

So, have you ever had one of those weeks where things just seem to "hit the fan"? I had one of those weeks last week. It started out like any other typical, crazy, psycho, pull-your-hair-out, homeschooling week. We weren't getting everything "I had planned" done which got my undies in a bundle to start with. The kids seemed to have forgotten everything they were ever taught on Monday morning, we were behind and I had to go to work. At work I get a call from Jordan asking if he can play solitaire on the computer. Well, when I get home, the kids had played more than solitaire on the computer. One of the games they had loaded had decided to do a tap dance all over my hard drive and royally screwed up my computer! Being the nice calm, quite, composed thing that I am, I only had a severe tantrum for a minute or two. You have to understand, the computer is a big deal to a homeschooling, partly working at home, socially-deprived woman! Programs wouldn't open, nothing would print, and of course I couldn't read this blog. Devastating - I know! So this began my week.

That afternoon, I taught the kids' bible quizzing team at our house as usual. Yes, its busy at our house but a good time. That evening I get a call that one of the kids on the team has head lice and has probably had it a few weeks. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My skin immediately began to crawl and my scalp began itching. I went to the pharmacy to buy the lice shampoo just in case we became infested. The pharmacist recommended we not use the chemical shampoo unless we for sure had lice as it was a pesticide and the prescription strength of the shampoo was known to give kids seizures. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM - now what to do - I mean, I had visions of lice tap dancing on the floors (and my head) as we spoke. Well, I trudged back home to research natural remedies for the buggers on my "speedy" computer that was kicking and sputtering still from the computer games. I actually came up with a natural remedy. Even though we didn't have the lousy lice, I decided to treat our home as if we did. I just couldn't relax until I made sure! So, yes, every washable thing was washed and high heat dried. All the furniture and the entire house were vacuumed numerous times (still gives me the heeby geevies thinking about it). Then ..... the natural remedy. First soak your head in a cup of vinegar and some essential oils for 30 minutes (with a bag on your head)- then shampoo your hair with some more essential oils and leave it on for another 45 minutes (with a bag on your head again). As you can imagine, a bit of a process with three kiddos. Here are some shots of the action: First Bag lady Lexie - note the glasses on the outside of the bag over her ear!

Then Missing My First Tooth Bag Lady Addie:

I think the "natural remedy" got to Jordan - just take a look:

Well, it was 11:00 p. m. when I got around to my hair - look how calm and collected I look:

And then Pat came home from work at 11:30 p.m. for a big surprise:

Doesn't he looked surprised? Hee, hee, hee!

I'm happy to report that we didn't have lice - although I now understand where the term "nit picking" came from - gross!!!

So this Monday a.m. I got up and thought: a new week, a new day, its going to be a good week - really. Then I started to make coffee: I was grinding the beans on the counter - gosh it sure was noisy. I didn't want to wake anyone up as it was "my quiet time". So I decided to pick up the grinder off the counter so it wouldn't be so noisy - by the lid that is. Have you ever seen a grinder full of half-ground beans in motion be opened. I have - all over my kitchen. HMMMMMMMMM, wonder what kind of a week its going to be?

P.S. The rest of my week has gone pretty smoothly - for my house that is. Oh ya - the coffee grinder thing happened again this a.m. My last brain cell is having issues the week.

Sister Trip Saga Continues - Suckin Air Up On Top

So back to the sister weekend saga. Against my better judgement we road the gondola up to the top of a very steep, hiney cringing instigator, of a mountain at Wallowa Lake. Yes, I don't like heights and yes, I was dumb enough to pay $20 to do something I don't like! Actually, I thought it would be OK until I heard the antiquated motor of the gondola and remembered that one of the cars had crashed off the mountain a few years ago! I conveniently remembered this after we were already trapped inside the dang thing!

So here I am riding with my two cool cucumber nieces Jill and Kelli. Somehow, I got on the side facing out to the steep drop off and they "conveniently" were facing the mountain. How convenient - sneaky little devils. So while I'm groping at the bar in front of me and sniveling like a true baby - I tell you, my hiney really did cringe - they are acting like it's no big deal! I saw the fear in their eyes though - no fooling me girls! Here is a picture to give you an idea of how high we were - I didn't think to take a picture of the "beautiful, hiney cringe instigating view" from inside the gondola on the way up.

And here is a picture of what I saw when I had my heart-a- ma-tack (like the hill billy spelling there don't ya'll??
Just josh'n ya! This is a cool sky view from the Wallow Lake area.

However, the view from the top of mountain wasn't as spectacular the day we were there - thanks to a forest fire somewhere. Yes, this is the view I paid $20 for and risked my life over!
The air is quite thin up there. At one point when we were hiking to see the above view, I thought I heard the panting of a grizzly bear in heat behind me - nope, it was just my pre-menopausal, sister Vonda trying to catch her breath. No really, I'm not kiddin, not much air up thair (hill billy spelling again for ya'll) Look, I'll prove it. Here is a picture of Kelli suckin air:

There was actually a really good shot of us all right after this one was taken but I accidentally deleted it in my oxygen deficient stupor. Sorry! Vonda - I think you've got a shot of us all if you'd like to post. I'll just leave you with the shot of Kelli sucking air!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

One Hung Low

Now get your minds out of the gutter. I'm talking about my ears. You see, I seem to have this weird problem. Every pair of glasses I own seem to sit on my head crooked. I used to think my eyebrows (or what little of them I have left....another story another time) were crooked. But when we were all together on our sisters vacation Kristi couldn't stop laughing when I put my sunglasses on. She said it was my ears. One has apparently grown lower on my head than the other....I guess it is my right ear.

See this!!!
Here is what I should do just to even it out. It makes me feel like I belong in the circus.

Wait. Maybe it is my smile. Maybe it's crooked. Hmmmmm!

Well yes I think that's the problem. Golly mom and dad. What's with you guys that you produced a crooked daughter? No not crooked as in a crook, but lopsided. Oh I won't go there.
I think I will stick with contact lenses.