Friday, March 7, 2008

Achy Breaky Back

Loretta has been suffering with two herniated disks for several months now. She finally decided to give in and have this problem repaired but only after stubbornly finishing her schooling, exams and probably much more than we know about. So Wednesday she joined the likes of me, two brothers and our mother and had back surgery. This appears to be a family problem as all of us have at one time or another had back problems.

I drove to Hillsboro to be with her and decided to spend the night in the room so she wouldn't be alone because usually for the first few days you really are pretty helpless. She decided that she would just continue to have muscle spasms so every movement was pretty much agony until they got the pain under control and gave her some muscle relaxants.

Well let me tell you spending time together at fifty some years old is not like when we were children. I remember when we were very little that four of us had to sleep in a double bed together and Barb had the top single bunk to herself. We lived in a single wide mobile home at the time and space was certainly limited for a family of seven with only two bedrooms. I had a doll and wanted to sleep with it. Can you imagine how crowded this already was? Loretta was so convincing....she told me that it would melt if I put it in bed with us. I of course believed her. I have a very loooong memory.

So this hospital stay was just a bit like this only I was the boss and she would not listen to ME this time and take enough pain medication to keep comfortable. I am trying with all my might to be Nurse Carrington and bribe her with meds, booze, cigarettes, naked dancing men and such. She only said sweetly "no thank you". She doesn't know this but I offered the real nurses all of those above mentioned things and they said it would be taken care of. However, I don't think they communicated with each other and must have snuck in at different times "just to make sure she was comfy". Loretta was on a pretty good drug induced hazy high. I had to drop kick a few aides trying to be nurse imposters once they heard about the goods.

What Loretta hasn't figured out yet because she never had a chance to look in the mirror was that the doctor was also becoming a plastic surgeon and was doing a little internship for that part. He gave her a free face makeover so now she looks like this.

Hey it could have been worse. Lucky for her she didn't wake up looking like this.
But all is well and she is home and still sore. But now I hope she is on the mend. She had better be because all I can say is I still have a bag of tricks.

P.S. The nurses told me that old women snore but I think they were just trying to cover the fact that they were sleeping at the nurses station.


Jill said...

Mom, you are so funny! Those pictures are disgusting, but hysterical! Poor Aunt Loretta, I hope she's feeling better though!!! And I really hope she's loving her new lips...Those things look like over-cooked hotdogs!

Kelli said...

That picture of "Loretta" is nasty! It hurts my eyes! Eww, its so gross I can't stand it!